The Bobopsy (the diagnosis- part 2)

I love that scene! Back to the diagnosis story...

I got dressed and made an appointment for the several weeks later. But, I had the paper they gave me staring at me on the living room table. Results inconclusive. Needed: Ultrasound Guided Core Needle Biopsy- L Breast. Solid Mass.

In the meantime my mystery lump had grown to the point that I could feel it. Thus began the obsession. I was feeling it all the time. It became a habit in which I absent-mindedly would be poking and probing my left breast. This is not normal and can be problematic when you manage a restaurant or go shopping or ever leave the privacy of your own home. Its weird but people don't take well to public fondling.

My parents and I took a trip to Ireland (which is a magical place, by the way) and I continued my vigilance over the lump. There was a point when I got nervous because it was becoming painful. Then I realized it was from my extensive prodding. I left it alone for half a day and when I couldn't help it anymore I felt it again. This time it felt different. I was trying to ignore the babble on the bus as we were traveling to the next hotel and I was copping a feel under my jacket.

I think it feels different. I think its going away. Nope, it feels like its getting flatter. This must be a good thing. Maybe it will just go away on its on.

At this point I tell my mom that the lump is changing. Her response was "Thats not a good thing, they aren't supposed to change." Her facial expression remained calm but I wonder now if she was already losing sleep.

Oh. Maybe my prodding is making it angry. I will not touch it until tomorrow. Don't do it. Don't touch the lump. You can do this. Leave it alone. Baby steps. Baby steps to the hotel. Baby steps onto the elevator... babysteps into the elevator...

Shortly after the trip it was time for the Core NEEDLE Biopsy. My mom drove me in just in case I was severely traumatized by the whole ordeal. The doctor had explained the process and it seemed fairly simple. The excrutiating part was the time in between changing into the gown and seeing the doctor.

It started with 10 minutes next to a woman who was a bundle of nerves. I was relatively calm going in and she couldn't stop talking about how terrified she was to be called back for an ultrasound. I sat there repeating the information I just just read in the binder on the table. It was statistics. Out of the x women who have a mammogram only x need an ultrasound. Out of x women who need an ultrasound only x need a biopsy and so forth. I didn't have the heart to tell her I was on to the bobopsy phase. When she asked I told her I was there for a mammogram. As the nurse called her name she looked at me with panic in her eyes. I squeezed her hand. I wonder how she is. Are you out there? Are you OK?

As the nurse came in the nerves started. I couldn't believe how nervous I was when she left the room for the doctor.

I can't do this. Where did she go? How long do I have to wait here? They are going to stick a needle in my boob. MY BOOB! A NEEDLE! What if I just leave? What if it hurts? My heart is going to burst out of my chest. Thats it, I'm outta here.


She popped in as my head was lifting off the table. Did I really think I was going to just run out of the office? She gave me a soft smile. That was when Dr. Colonel Sanders came in. OK, maybe it wasn't Colonel Sanders.. because this man looked older and more...rickety is what popped to mind. Not too steady. But he did remind me of Colonel Sanders. Why Mr. Colonel Sanders, I didn't know you were a doctor!

Oh my God. What is this all about? Why is he so shaky? Someone is going to give him a needle to aim at me?


I looked at the nurse. She gave me a reassuring pat. He said hello and started explaining what he was doing. This is a good time to explain one of the problems with nerves and breast cancer. You see, when I get nervous my breath quickens. The problem is that they are working on your chest. They can't very well do their job if you are heaving away like you just ran a marathon. So, they tell you to control your breathing and be as still as you can. Of course, the moment someone says, please keep your breathing steady, you simply forget how easy it is to breathe. I'll go into this more someday when I tell you about radiation.


There I am topless, lying on a table with my left arm up on my forehead, trying to remember how I managed to breathe regularly before this moment. To my left is Dr. Sanders and to my right the Ultrasound screen. This is both fascinating and terrifying. I can see the tumor on the screen. Unfortunately, since the lump was on the left and my arm needed to be up I was facing the screen. They use the screen to guide the needle in and at that point in my life I just couldn't watch the needle probing the unidentified object in my boob. I squeezed my eyes shut. I gripped the blanket with my right hand that was suddenly sweating. It is 22 degrees and I am sweating.


Dr. Sanders starts his one-sided conversation in which I lay, exposed, eyes clenched and he talks me through the procedure.


First I'm going to give you a local anesthetic. You'll feel a little sting.

Yeah, I know what that- holy crap that stuff burns. I can actually feel it spreading. Ouch, Huh, its not that bad.... and its going away.

Now I'm going to make a tiny incision next to this little mole over here.

Oh my God! Its happening! Here it goes!

And now I'm going to get the biopsy needle to insert.

Wait... did he do the incision already? I'm such a dork. Thats what anesthetics are for.

I'm going to insert the needle.

Can he not say that word? Lets ban the word needle.

I can guide it into the mass because I can see it on the screen. You can look if you like.

I'm going to ignore that comment. But I'll smile like I'm not screaming inside. Just another day. I'm totally comfortable. Yep, calm and relaxed. See, look, I'm breathing. Ugh, what is that aching feeling?

This is when the nurse says, "Dawn are you OK? Do you feel something?"

And I say "Um, I'm fine, its just an aching feeling."

Her response? "Well, maybe we should just give the anesthetic some time to sink in."

Yes, that sounds like a fine idea. Not that it really hurts but I would pretty much rather just be knocked out completely.

And Dr. Sanders starts again.

I'm into the mass and I'm going to take a tiny sample of the mass through the core of the needle.

And then it was silent. I may have stopped breathing.

CLICK!

Cheese and Rice! What the heck was that!

That was the sound of the sample being taken.

Now that was something he could've given me a heads up about. Scared the sh*t out of me. it was so quiet the clicking sound may as well have been someone setting off an alarm.

After this they simply stuck a butterfly bandage on it and sent me out. I put on a happy face for the scared women in the changing room. By the time I saw my mom in the waiting room I was shaking. Was I cold? Was I tired? Was it the anesthetic? I didn't feel nervous.

On my way out the front desk told me we would find out the results at the clinic in a week or so.

Really, in the next week I didn't dwell on it much. I was managing a restaurant that took up 60 or so hours a week. I didn't have time to mope. There was a lot going on. I had some bruising on my breast and it was tender. I was told no heavy lifting on that side.. which just meant no extensive bussing of tables.. which was fine by me.

That Monday I called to find out the lab results and the office was closed for Memorial Day. Now that it was back in my mind I needed to know the answer. I called the next morning and the woman on the phone told me they absolutely cannot give results over the phone. They will mail me a copy of the results form saying everything was fine. I should receive the form by the end of the week.

At this point I call my mom and complain. I walk over to my friend Chrissy and complain. She agrees that its a load a crap to wait this long for results. I call B and complain.

An hour later the phone rings.

Me: Hello?
Voice of doom: Hello is this Dawn?
Me: Yes it is, may I ask who's calling?
Voice of doom: This is ____ from the Huntington Beach Community Health Clinic.
Me: Oh, OK.
Voice of doom: The doctor would like you to come in for your results.
Me:
Voice of doom: Are you available to come in today?
Me: Today?! Um, no I'm not. I'm at work and I live over an hour away so I can't just run by.
Voice of doom: Can you come by first thing tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can someone talk to me over the phone?
Voice of doom: No, we would like to speak to you in person.
Me: Oh, OK.
Voice of doom: We'll see you tomorrow morning.
Me: bye

(to be continued)

Part Three: 2 Letters & a Muffin Top

21 Wiener Salute!

Friday I will get back to the story of the diagnosis but today we'll pay homage to one of the great American heroes!

I know you all immediately thought of Mr. Oscar Mayer. You didn't? What would America be without Oscar Mayer products?

Mr. Oscar Mayer (the third) died on Monday at the age of 95.

Oh Mr. Mayer, I do hope you realized how many July 4th celebrations you just completed with your wieners. I hope you realized how fondly I think of you and your bacon and your dogs and even your bologna. You have been a part of my life and always will.

There are so many things I love about Oscar Mayer. Can you believe the jingle has been around since 1963? 1963!

All this wiener promotion brought on wonderful and amazing things like... the Weinermobile!
I hope you don't think the wienermobile has one foot, er...wheel, out the door. Oh no my friends, the wienermobile is still making its rounds throughout the country.

Don't believe me?

Well, you can follow the Hotdoggers on their blog. Yes, they have a blog. And they Twitter. Tweet. Twitt. Whatever you call it. How is it that Hotdoggers are twittering and I'm not?

That song has been popular since 1976. I think I was born singing that song. Mom, did you eat a lot of bologna during your pregnancy?

If I had bologna in the house right now I would amaze you with my magic bologna bowl. When I was around 11 and my niece was 5 I used to entertain her with my microwave trick. You place the bologna in the microwave, carefully fold 1 Kraft single into a small square, place it in the middle, whisper some magic words, turn on the microwave and WALLA! The bologna magically curls into a bowl full of melted cheese!

Hey. Don't judge me!

Since I'm being honest here, there is one Oscar Mayer product I'm not a fan of. The Wienerwhistle. Something about the Wienerwhistle makes me giggle and cringe at the same time.

OK one last confession. This one goes to Mr. Mayer himself. I apologize for buying Hebrew Nationals 97% Fat Free hotdogs last Friday. To make it up to you I will buy some processed meat products and feast... because I would do that for you.

105th HB Parade

I would have posted these earlier but I am technologically impaired and was having major issues with the photo sizing. Why are they either huge or teensy? So in a pinch I just cropped them a bit and they magically shrank down to viewable sizes. As you can see I now have a bunch of random shapes and sizes. Oh well.

Every year its tradition to head down to Main street and join several hundred thousand of our closest friends and family for the largest Independence Day parade west of the Mississippi. It wasn't until a few days ago that I was told how big it is. It never seems this way. As I walk down the parade route I always see familiar faces. A grade school teacher, a friend from high school and parishioners from church.

We like to get there a few hours before the parade to take a leisurely walk down to the beach. It was a little hazy and cool and we soaked in the ocean air. Is there anything like the smell of the ocean in the morning?
This very nice gentleman had a lovely singing voice.

On July 4th people go all out! Decorated from head to toe, their bikes are decorated, their children are decorated, their pets are decorated and I love every last bit of it.

There were so many cute keikis and puppies I might have to branch off with another post :)

The british are coming!! Sorry. Then the parade begins. There are marching bands from around the country, Miss America made an appearance (there was no ex-Miss CA), there are local celebrities and various groups from the city.

But my favorite parts always include the veterans. I clap and hoot and holler, knowing all the while that I can never fully understand what they have been through. But I can be grateful.

These Vietnam veterans held up the route a moment to snap a picture of some crazy girl on the sidelines.

And these gentlemen... they make me cry every.single.year. These are the World War II Pearl Harbor survivors. Some times they walk for bits of the route, some times they ride. But they always hold their flags high and solute the crowd with pride.

Thank you ladies and gentleman. Thank you for our freedom.

Call me Lady Luck (the diagnosis- part 1)

The first thing everyone wants to know is how I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Every time I tell this story I am reminded of how incredibly lucky I am... seriously.

It was April of 2007 and I went to the obgyn for something unrelated to any breast issue. They did the standard breast exam, told me I was fine and sent me on my way. I was sure they were wrong about the issue I had gone in for, so I stopped at the community health center by my parents house.

I remember the doctor going over the same spot on my left breast several times. "Do you feel this here? It might not be anything but I'd like to make an appointment for you to have a mammogram."

OK, I thought. How weird, I'm only 27, I've never had a mammo before. What is she feeling? I don't feel anything. I have no idea how long its been there because I rarely do a self-exam and even if I did I couldn't feel what she is trying to point out.

I went home and told my mom and she had that shocked Oh-my-God look. I was surprised by this because I wouldn't consider her overly worrisome. Perhaps it was the maternal instinct kicking in.

At that point I made another appointment to go back to my obgyn. I repeated what the doctor at the clinic suggested. Now this is a very highly recommended doctor I had. She spent a great deal of time with me and seemed very thorough. I trusted her. So here I was back on the table. She laughed as she went over the left breast. "Please tell me they didn't find something in this breast. You are young, you have very dense breasts and there is nothing out of the ordinary here. Don't waste your time or money going to that mammo."

I felt triumphant. I hadn't been losing any sleep over it but I thought my mom would be glad to hear the news. But she didn't seem all that relieved. "I don't know Dawn, you already have the mammo appointment, you might as well just go."

Sigh. All these appointments are such a nuissance. Little did I know I would spend the better part of 2 years back and forth between them.

In the waiting room I watched woman after woman leave the office after being told they would be contacted with results. But after my mammo they asked me to sit back down...and not to change.

I thought, Ugh, I have somewhere to be and this office is freezing. Why do they keep these offices so freezing? Please relax while you place your freezing breast on our freezing machine and hold your breath until you hear the beep. How can anyone relax in this climate?

The changing room in places like this are always interesting. Bunched up in below zero temperatures are women trying to appear relaxed as they sit topless, clutching the paper-thin wrap and flipping thru copies of Better Homes and Gardens from 3 years ago. In defense of this office they had a binder full of comics about mammograms and the general unpleasantness involved. It was very entertaining! It is where I first witnessed the manogram.

A very nice lady told me they would like to do an ultra sound. To be honest, this didn't worry me because I was young and had dense breasts and I could totally understand if they couldn't see anything in my little size A breasts. The alarm did start sounding when she left to get a doctor and they silently looked at the screen. They zoomed in, they took digital measurements and they left to go talk to someone else.

Oh geez, I hope I don't have to do anything involving needles. I can't believe they warm the ultrasound gel here. Thats so cool! I wonder what those buttons do. Can I put my arm down now? How long will I be laying here?

The doctor came in to tell me that they still weren't sure what it was. They wanted to do a Ultrasound guided Core Needle Biopsy. There it was... the needle word. Core NEEDLE biopsy.

I didn't know what it was but I was sure I wouldn't like it.

(to be continued)

Part Two: The Bobobsy

Part Three: 2 Letters and a Muffin Top

Happy Independence Day!

I wish you all a Happy and Safe 4th of July!

We are going down to the Huntington Beach parade followed by a BBQ! I'm sure I'll have posts from it over the next day or so. Until then I'll leave you with this....

This, my friends, is the most fantastic peanut butter pie. Check out the recipe done by the infamous Pioneer Woman. This will be part of our July 4th Festivities.

Ree (or any other pioneer reader). if you see this please ignore the pie tin and the seemingly store bought oreo cookie crust. Considering how easy the recipe is... I would never just buy an oreo crust. Nope. Not me.

Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy

Do you have a book that you treasure? I remember the exact moment I received this book. My mom gave it to me when I was 10 years old. She told me that her mom had given her a copy and she was doing the same. I remember turning the pages with reverence.

This is the moment that Professor Bhaer proposes, "Jo, I haf nothing but much love to gif you."
The other copy was actually printed in 1907.

Did you know it was also called Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy?

As I looked thru some of the illustrations I found this. Its Jo sitting with Beth's head in her lap. Where are they? The beach? A lake? I don't seem to remember this from the story but the picture is lovely.

Right now I'm reading March by Geraldine Brooks. It is the story of Mr. March and his time away at war. It gives a very nice persepctive of a character that had so much impact on the story, but we knew so little about.

Are there books that you have held on to? Are there books that are a favorite of your children?

Mele Kalikimaka!

We are now celebrating Christmas in July. Some of you are cringing.... I see you and I understand. For your own good, don't read on.

I was stressed yesterday and trying to relax. I've been having a hard time getting to sleep lately. I only fall into a deep sleep appoximately 12 minutes before I have to wake-up. And then the alarm goes off and my eyes feel like someone poured lemon juice in them. Any tips or tricks or rituals you do to get to sleep? How much sleep do you need to get to function?

So, in order to get to my happy place for a nice, restful sleep, I was thinking about Christmas. The holiday season makes me happy and fills me with joy!

Sheesh, dreams can be a powerful thing! I woke up this morning (15 minutes before I had to leave- remember to turn up the alarm when you put ear plugs in) and a little peice of Christmas was staring me in the face.

In the form of Rudolph's nose. There is a "blemish" in the tip of my nose, an overall redness actually. Something about the word zit makes me feel yucky and pimple just doesn't do it justice. So today I'll be Rudolph. Follow me, I'll light the way!

Then I packed some food and was on my way to work. In the car I realized that I grabbed the wrong bag so it looks like I'll be eating 2 bananas, a grapple and some nectarines for today.

And then I spent a minute focusing on all the wonderful things that are going to happen today... none of which has happened yet.... but I'm sure they will. I ended my ride to work with some Christmas music. Oh yes, I did.

I realize that majority of you probably despise Christmas music during the holidays. But today, I listened to the lovely and amazing Nat King Cole sing A Christmas Song. And it made me clap.