Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Lopsided

IMG_0027

If reading about my boobs makes you uncomfortable then I suggest you turn back now. You are about to hear more about them then you ever wanted. Not that you ever really wanted to hear about them at all.

As many of you know I had breast cancer several years ago. As a result I had a lumpectomy in my left breast. The doctors removed a mass that was a little less than 1 inch in diameter. The thing is... when you have size A breasts, well 1 inch makes a difference!

After the lumpectomy I was left with several scars and a breast that was shaped differently. It was as if they made an incision, removed the tissue and then just pulled the bottom up to meet the top. My nipples point in different directions now. I mean, I'm not complaining. I'll be honest and say it doesn't bother me in the least.

It's just that if you were looking at me.. naked (this post is getting weirder by the minute) then one nipple would point at you and the other would be pointing up and over your right shoulder.

The right nipple all normal and the left nipple all like, Hey, what's that over there?! I suppose now my nipples are more representative of my personality. Mismatched and all split personality. Perhaps all nipples should be representative of their owner's personalities? Some should be bold and big and others small and meek.

During the pregnancy my left remained unchanged as my right grew and grew and stretched and stretched and mocked the left one relentlessly. I'm talking about the nipple here, not the breast. Sadly my breasts did not grow during my pregnancy.... just my nipple. I'll take a moment while you wrap your mind around that.

At about 5 months it started leaking giving me hope that my milk would indeed come in, at least on my right side. Having received 35 rounds of radiation on the left I didn't have high hopes of getting milk on that side.

When my milk finally did come in (on the right side only) I began to witness the growing of a breast. It was magical really. It was like watching a science experiment with the right experimental breast growing and the left control breast staying the same. I had a brief glimpse of what it would be like to fill out shirts and have curves in a dress.

Only I was completely lopsided. You see, even though my nipples are wonky noone can see. This growing of one breast was different. Some of you totally know what I mean when I talk about the difference in size. Can you imagine it? In the end I had to stuff the left cup with a crazy amount of nursing pads and try to make sure I didn't look lumpy or disfigured.... or that a pad didn't dislodge itself and work it's way up my top.

That would be embarasssing. I know this because once when I was in college (back when I still wanted to pretend I had breasts) I had put push-up pads in my bra. At the end of the night, after a few cocktails at my college boyfriend's fraternity house, I went home to find that I only had the pad in one side of my bra. All I could do was wonder how many people throughout the night saw that pad works it's way up and out of my top. Hey, is that a bra pad hanging out of Dawn's shirt? Hey what's that on the floor? Oh that's the pad from that lame girl who tried to stuff her bra.

One can only hope that when all this is over the right one will sag causing my breasts to make a sort of disco point. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, stayin' alive.

One can only hope...

19 comments:

  1. You TOTALLY cracked me up with the Stayin' Alive reference!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahahaha! I hear ya on the saggy thing, I have to tighten one bra strap up tighter than the other. Good times...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hope it's politically correct to say . . . too funny, I guess one big boob is better than none?
    Have a great day.
    Patti

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my gosh this is why I love you. I just spewed coffee on my computer keyboard reading this. And HHBL wants me to explain why I am laughing so hard. I think I will just leave him guessing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, Dawn, you continue to crack me up. I love how you tell it like it is!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ha, ha, ha! I love your sense of humor. After having 5 kids I have lots and lots and lots of battle damage myself. *sigh*
    ☺ Celeste

    ReplyDelete
  7. LOL!!! Dawn you're so funny!!! Where's Peanut!!! luvuallbye

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just laughed out loud. Dawn, you are so cute! love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi there!!!
    Just been reading your blog.... I'm from Ireland and was diagnosed with breast cancer 10 days after my 30th birthday last year!! I have 2 young children and got married 9 months ago. I had a mastectomy and reconstruction done in November and have just finished chemotherapy so I'm hoping to get back to normal as soon as possible!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are too funny. I know what you mean, though. My boobs didn't change at all during pregnancy. What the heck? I thought this would be the one time in my life to flaunt some nice cleavage. Nope. Nursing has helped me go from barely a "B" to a normal B cup. Again. What the heck.

    And just wait till you stop. It's interesting, to say the least. The big one will become the smaller one.

    ReplyDelete
  11. if I laugh any harder I will pee my pants...being that I have a three pounder basically sitting on my bladder!! too funny..at least you can laugh at yourself and not take all of this too serious...afterall where would we be if we took life that serious!

    ReplyDelete
  12. well holy cow girl that's crazy! thanks for sharing that really personal stuff...talk about getting real. miss the peanut.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love this post!!! Coming from a cup size A person myself I could so realate in the bra stuffing department. The biggest cup size i got to with both my pregnancies was a B and that only lasted a few weeks then they were back to less then a A cup smh. I use to want breast implants until I looked at myself in the mirror and said "Hey you have breast feed two babies, your 30 years old and your boobs are still where they are suppose to be and they are still perky!" I don't need big boobs, I have come to love my two little bee stings.
    Did I mention how much I love this post? Well I do! :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh my gosh----my favorite part was where you described where your nipple would be pointing...."one at you and one up and over your right shoulder!!!" I could just imagine your nipples like little eyes spying two different things at once---O my----too funny! Thanks for the laugh tonight!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm part of the tiny titty comity and I have these dreams that pregnancy will give me beautifully large boobs that will never go away. Now I'm thinking that may not be the case. :-) I used to stuff mine too but lately I've just let em be flat. The wedding was the worst-the seamstress sewed in fake boobs and had to grab TWO cups a clucked at me the entire time about how I had no boobies.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ahhahaa! "What's that over there?" Aha! So funny. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Post kids, I have what I like to call my "lazy sister." I'm glad I'm not alone!

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day- thanks for visiting!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Blogging tips