So I have this problem with patience. Once I make a solid decision that I want to do something, it must be put into place immediately. I like to plan. I like things to happen as soon as I'm ready for them to happen. Apparently baby-making doesn't run on that kind of schedule.
After the last miscarriage I was in absolutely no hurry to get pregnant again. I was going to lose 10 lbs to get back down to my pre-Peanut weight. I was going to work out. I could not feel comfortable getting pregnant again until we dug ourselves out of debt. Did I mention the last miscarriage and D & C cost thousands of dollars? And then both of our vehicles needed work? And then we found out our taxes were wrong and instead of getting $2500 back we owed $2000? It was a really fun 2 weeks in which we received all these bills. After that the panic subsided and we buckled down.
One day I was chatting with a friend via text message, because I often only have 30 seconds at a time to converse with people, and I was explaining why it's hard for me to maintain a pregnancy. I was talking about my old chemo-fied eggs and how it would be like me trying to get pregnant in my late 40's and it hit me.
I don't have the time to be waiting around for the stars to align.
Sure I need to pay off bills and have more time at home and save more money and lose more weight and eat more leafy greens and align my chi and do all kinds of stuff that I can't think of right now but AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
So here we are again and I find that despite my great efforts to not be crazy, life is once again broken into 2 week increments.
2 weeks until my period. Will it come? Will it not come? Will it? Will it? Huh? Huh?
2 weeks until ovulation. Then cross your fingers, your eyes and your legs and pray something sticks.
2 weeks to menstruation. I'm sure it won't come this time.
2 weeks to ovulation. Go! Go! Go!
2 weeks to judgement day. I just know I'm pregnant this month.
2 weeks to baby making time. Do the words "I'm ovulating" make you want me?
2 weeks of crossing fingers. Did I shave my legs for this?
2 weeks of impatiently waiting...
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Oh and the pregnancy tests. I cannot hold on to a pregnancy test without taking it. Do you know how much those things cost? Like $10 each! I'm in the wrong business.
I had to hide the tests from myself, make them hard to reach, try to forget where they are because it's just so easy to take the tests. I must know! It says you can detect it 6 days before you even miss your period!
So a good friend of mine got some pregnancy tests from a co-op she belongs to. They are just the little tests you use at the doctor. Just dip them in your pee and wish that second line into developing. I paid less than a quarter a piece. I feel like I won the lottery. I had 40 of them. 40! I'm going to start some black market for pregnancy tests. I send my friends messages offering them up to people I know who are trying. But who knows, in 2 weeks I might have blown through the whole batch.
