Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The chaos before the storm

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Daddy, stop kissing me.

So we've been living with my parents for almost a month.
Our stuff is in the cars, the garage, the upstairs bedroom, storage and at the new house.

My library books somehow made their way to the depths of storage, where they sit, unread, quietly accumulating library fines.

I've realized that as long as I have pants and work shirts, I really only need one or two other outfits.
There might be something wrong with that.

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The house has been painted 2 lovely shades of grey as a neutral start so that I can add color as I go.
One of them looks completely baby blue .
~sigh~
It's really hard to pick a color for the whole house.


Today B and I spent the day moving things over and into the new house.
Yay!
We're getting the floors done in a about 2 weeks so we'll try not to put too many things down stairs.



I'm really looking forward to having all my belongs in one place... in the same city... in the same house!

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Meanwhile, at work we're in the home stretch to the end of summer.
After Labor Day I'd like to take a nice long nap.

Oh wait, I can't because we'll be moving... with a toddler who has a knack for climbing things and finding trouble.


You know what else I'm looking forward to at the house?
Having my computer with constant internet connection.

At my parents house the computer is in Peanut's room
and for some reason I can't connect to their wifi.


So for now I'm just doing a lot of mental "planning".
I have ideas for everything.
Changes to the house, changes to the blog, changes to the restaurants,
schedules, lists, projects.

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Does anyone realize how close the holidays are?
I mean, we'll blink and Christmas will be here.
How am I going to get everything done before Christmas?!



In my mind it goes something like this:
move stuff
move some more stuff
get the floors done
actually move in
never sleep again (because Peanut's sleeping routines do not take well to change)
schedule blog and article posting
organize house
try to keep house clean
 (this may be unrealistic as I couldn't manage to keep an apartment half this size clean)
more article deadlines
baby shower
restaurant build out
open nighttime restaurant concept
B's birthday
M
Peanut's party
Halloween
Thanksgiving
Christmas
New Years
and then
Sleep

Sounds about right.

Oh wait, I think "Work out" is in there on one of those days.

Does your schedule look something like this or do you need to add in things like football practice, piano lessons, plant fall harvest and drink martinis?

And yes, I know these pictures have absolutely nothing to do with the post :)

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Fun at the Fair and a thank you

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This is going to be one of those ADD posts in which I jump all over the place.

You know, the kind you read and think of all these comments to make but in the end you can only comment on one of the 20 subjects covered because you forgot all the rest and don't feel the need or desire to skim through the entire post to comment about each individual topic.

Oh look, something shiny........feeling tired already, feel free to skip to the recap.

First off, may I just say thank you for all your love and support.

Your response to my last post was incredible and I was overwhelmed by the very sweet comments, emails and Facebook messages you all left me.

I feel a million times better and I plan on responding to all you of over the next week.  
The miscarriage is no longer the first thing I think about in the morning, although that could have something to do with the fact that I'm at work by 6:30 am and don't have time to think.

For now my focus is on getting healthy and in shape in preparation for a future pregnancy.

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Since then, there has been a lot going on...
we saw this adorable fox at the Orange County Fair, which we almost didn't make it to but we just had to take our annual fair pictures and B had to have his round of fair food.

There wasn't anything I absolutely had to have this year as I didn't see anything I'd never seen before.

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I tried to steal this fox but I felt bad when I saw the exhibit guy looking around for a missing turtle and then filing a report for said turtle while I was thinking that it was well within reach of any passers by and it may be on it's way to someones house.

Shall we see how many run-on sentences I can pile into this post?

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The restaurants have been jam packed, especially the one at the beach, and sometimes the days feel like marathons but mostly they feel like a series of sprints separated by jumping jacks and burpees.

OK, I don't actually know what burpees are, but I know they have something to do with working out and they sound hard.

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Do you see this adorable house?

So cute right?

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The whole thing is crocheted!

Every single detail.  Crocheted.

Or is it knitted?  Knit?

I need a second opinion here.

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I can't even wrap my head around how long that might take.

Anyone have a guess of how many hours it would take to crochet and/or knit this?

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Anyway, it was really impressive.

I wonder what they'll do with it after the fair.

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Peanut got to see all these real, live animals.

We spend a good deal of time touching dirty, stinky animals in 100 degree heat.

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We also GOT KEYS this week!

We've barely been there as we've been so busy but it's ours!
B and I have only been there together once.... ever.

I can't wait to start moving things in but there are some things we want to get done before we even move in.

We're having the house painted.  Grey interiors.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to pick a grey?
There are like 50 shades of grey!

Yeah, go ahead, make your comment.
I'd like to know who else read that very poorly written, very entertaining piece of smut.
You know, someone besides me.

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Who ever takes care of this miniature horse knows how to do better hair then I do.

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Just me, the Peanut and a giant cow butt.

I walked away just in the right time, I think everyone else got splattered when she decided to relieve herself.

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Big Truck!
Peanut thought this truck and very specifically, this wheel, were the most amazing things ever.

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Did you make it this far?

Here is the recap:
thanks
feeling better
fair
fox
restaurants
crocheted
no, knit
 no, crochet
touching animals
real house- keys
dirty books
fancy horse
cow butt
big tire
annual photo

Time for bed!

Friday, August 3, 2012

And then our bubble burst

Sometimes the only way for me to process an experience is to write about it.  When my mind is full of thoughts, I take one out, write it down and place it on a shelf next to the other things I've written.   The weight is transferred elsewhere, to a place I can visit as I please but is less present than the thoughts pushing their way to the front, wanting their turn to make it on the page.

So here we are and here I am, about to tell you a little story, in more depth then anyone needs to know. It's not a pretty story but it's one that some of you share with me.

A week ago I had a miscarriage.

I was only 5 weeks pregnant.  We had only been celebrating for 5 days but I still feel the sting.

Taupo-Christchurch 448
Christchurch, New Zealand 2010

The previous Sunday, before B came home from a trip, I snuck into the bathroom and took a pregnancy test.  Actually it was the third test I had taken in less than a week.  Despite the fact that it was unlikely those expensive little sticks could actually tell me I was pregnant a week before my expected period, I took the first one 7 days before anyway.  Of course, it was negative.  So I took one a few days later and again, it was negative.  I waited to take the 3rd one because I had a book club meeting in the morning and I knew that if it was positive I wouldn't be able to keep a secret and my whole book club would know before B.

So there I was trying to hide from Peanut as I peed on a stick (I mean, I don't want to find him trying to pee on any stick he comes across) and I just knew it was positive.  When I saw that double line I just smiled to myself, did a little jig and went about my day.  That evening, when B, Peanut and I were all in bed (as part of the pre-bath routine), I handed the test to Peanut, who handed it to Daddy, who said thank you and then something along the lines of "What the.... are you serious... is this real.... really?!...." followed by a lot of laughing and a little more shock.

I have it all on video and can't decide whether or not to delete it.

We spent the next 5 days planning and dreaming.  Well, one step closer to the planning and dreaming we have already been doing.

On Friday we were moving out of the apartment, just wrapping things up when I noticed a little blood on the toilet paper after I went to the bathroom.  I spotted with Peanut so I didn't worry too much.  It was a busy day with us moving out of the apartment and moving in with my parents.  B headed in to work and I headed to my parents where we are living for the next few weeks.  When we go there I went straight to the bathroom where I was greeted with more blood and some clotting.  I knew then.  I told my dad I had to make a run to the restaurant (as we hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy) and headed to see my doctor, calling B along the way.  That's when the cramping started.

It was odd, standing in line at Kaiser, stopping to get blood work done, exchanging smiles with the receptionist and waiting in the lobby while I was losing our baby.  The world keeps moving around you as things slowly unravel inside you.  I calmly answered 20 minutes worth of questions before my exam.  So you say you are bleeding?  Yes.  Heavily?  Um, yes, I think so.  What is your family's medical history?  What is your breast cancer history?  What do you do on every second Tuesday after a blue moon in autumn?

I think I was mostly numb by then, or maybe it was just denial.  No, it couldn't be denial, I think being a good patient is my default.  I was flying on autopilot.  I know how to be a nice, calm patient under a variety of circumstances.

When I finally rolled back for the exam, the doctor told me there was a lot of bleeding and the nurse went to get... whatever it was that she got to clean up the blood while I stared at the ceiling and thought about how I needed to shave my legs and wondered if I should apologize for my hairy legs and flakey toe nail polish. I was still calm and smiling politely when I answered questions.  I believe I very calmly said, "Damn, I thought so, I thought I felt a lot of blood.  Sorry, are you sure you want to do this exam now?"

"Yes, you're about halfway through your miscarriage."


New Zealand
Waitomo, New Zealand, 2010

That's when the tears came, sliding silently down my face.  When she looked up at me, I watched her face contort in slow motion.  I had been so calm she didn't realize how upset I would be.  I watched her blink back tears and then apologize to me as she placed her hand on my prickly knee.  I apologized for crying and told her I already knew.  Hearing the word miscarriage was all it took, really.  Sometimes reality really sucks.

She told me I could take something to complete the miscarriage or I could let it run it's course over the next week or two.  All I could think was that maybe it wasn't actually happening and I didn't want to kill the baby.  But it was happening and I was sitting in the pool of blood to prove it.  I think she read it on my face because she did an ultrasound to show the clotting in the uterus.  When she left I asked her for a pad and wondered out loud how it's possible that in this day and age they still hand out pads the size of airline pillows.  How can this be?  Someone answer me!

At the pharmacy I couldn't stop crying and I went back and forth between wanting to escape and wanting to tell the lady looking questioningly at me, that I was losing my baby.  I was about halfway through losing the little one I only found out about 5 days earlier.  I wanted to call B but I knew I would fall apart right there in the waiting room.  The pharmacist gave me something for the pain and paused when he read through the medicine.  I watched his face sink as he looked at the words partial miscarriage and pending miscarriage. He kept apologizing as I cried into the paper towel he brought me.

I called B from the car and he gave me what comfort he could in the middle of his shift.  I headed to my parents knowing that I couldn't keep what was happening a secret.

I was pregnant but now I'm not.  Right now, as we speak, I am having a miscarriage.  The bleeding should stop in a week or so.   Next week this will all be over.  Next week we will not be picking out names or crib bedding.

I stood in the bathroom, looking down at the toilet and it's contents, and wondered if my baby was in there.  Just the size of a sesame seed.

That night was the worst.  The blood and pain a constant reminder of what was happening.  The next day I woke to go to work and remembered that I wasn't pregnant.  I was only 5 weeks along and still it hurt.  I can only imagine what it was like for friends who have lost babies much later on.

Each day things become more final, more a part of the past and less a part of the present.

I read the email that said my labs are normal and feel detached.  Now my body no longer recognizes that I was pregnant.  Is this a good thing?  I suppose it is.

 I want it all to stop.  I don't want to see the blood anymore.  I don't want the reminder.

I'm glad it happened so early.  I realize that things probably weren't as they should have been and so my body did what was best.  I just don't want to think about it all the time.

 I don't mind talking about it with friends, I don't cry every time I think about it anymore, I just don't want to think about the why and what ifs.

For now I want to have some down time.  I want to think about the house we're moving into, about getting back into shape and creating the healthiest body I can, about swim lessons with the Peanut and date night with daddy.  For now I want to rest.


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