2 Letters & a Muffin Top (the diagnosis- finale)

Holy sh*it I'm going to get diagnosed with breast cancer.


I call my mom and explain the conversation I had with Voice of Doom. To be honest I can't remember exactly what she said. She asks me if I wanted her to go with me and I say no. I was going to be fine, I can handle it. But I'll come by after the appointment.

When I tell B he is softly supportive but not overly worried. After all, it could be anything. I tell Chrissy and a friend Marie who are at work with me. Marie, the sweetheart that she is, gives me a list of explanations that don't include cancer. I feel much better but on the inside I know. I knew the way you know about a good melon. What?

Then I realized what will happen if my mom doesn't come with me. I will have to go home and look my parents in the eyes and tell them I have cancer. And they will wonder how on Earth this can be happening. They will think about my paternal grandpa and my maternal grandma and what is was like as they fought and lost. I can't even imagine how it feels to have your child be in harms way like this. I don't want to see the pain on their faces. So I call her back and say I will pick her up on my way in.

~Fast forward to the doctors office~

We were in the office waiting. I'm not positive how long but I'm pretty sure it was close to 302 hours... give or take 15 minutes. I was sitting on the chair/table and mom was standing off to the side just slightly behind me.


I wonder how this is going to feel. Will I freak out? How long until the panic sets in?


And then She came in. Was she a doctor? A nurse? A volunteer? She was wearing the white coat but something seemed wrong. Hmmmm, what was it? Oh wait, I know! Its her inappropriate manner of dress! Her coat was open, wide open and underneath she wore jeans 2 sizes too tight and a shirt 2 sizes too small. Her shirt was high enough to expose her midriff and all its contents. Behold the Muffin Top.


Now I'd like to say that I understand the existence of the muffin top. Believe me, I really, really do. I've worn the too tight jeans and I know the spare tire feeling. But in a professional setting do you not agree the muffin top should be covered?

Oh my GOD! This woman is going to tell me the news that changes my life and all I can see is her muffin top.

I glanced over to make eye contact with mom as if to say.. Do you see this?! But she was focused and waiting for answers. As the doctor/nurse walks over I try hard not to stare at her belly button. But in my mind I can recall it perfectly. Don't ask me why I was so fixated on this. In fact, it was the last thing I remember being focused on before I heard...


"I don't know what else to say you have cancer"


The verdict was in. Delivered by the muffin top in one run-on sentence that lingered in the room. It was echoing in the room. "I don't know what else to say you have cancer"


My first thought? How am I going to tell B?


It took me a second to realize the doctor/nurse was talking to us. "Do you need a tissue?" "Do you need to sit down?"


I heard an odd sound behind me and realized it was mom. She was trying not to cry and she was leaning against the table. She sat down and the nurse handed us tissues.


I'll have to spend more time thinking about this because I remember very little about what happened after. I asked what the next step was. We made conversation as they wrote down references for doctors. Earlier in the week they had told a 16 year old girl she had breast cancer. 16. How do you deal with this kind of craziness in high school?


We got back to the house and I paced the sidewalk while making calls. We have very bad reception in the house so this was the logical thing to do. I really didn't want to be inside when mom called dad at work. I tried to formulate in my head what I would say on my phone calls. I still had the tissue in my pocket in case of mental breakdown.


How do people in the movies do this? Have I read any books that have characters who tell people they have cancer? Nothing. Think. Think. Think. Should I even call everyone now? I'm going to ruin everyone's work day.


A little background: I am the baby of my family. Seriously, the baby. I am 10 years younger than the youngest sibling and 17 years younger than the oldest. So I grew up with siblings/caretakers/second parents. Things like this just don't happen to the baby.


The conversations I had were such a perfect representation of my siblings. It just completely mirrored their personalities and I laugh when I think about it. All the conversations started with a series of "No way" or "Seriously" or "You're kidding". I called my oldest brother who told me to lean on him no matter what. He wanted to make sure I understood he would be there for me. Then there was the conversation with my other brother. I couldn't even tell you what we talked about because we were on the phone for like 30 minutes. We talked about the lady who lived down the street from him who had breast cancer. We talked about how young I was to be diagnosed. We talked about what kind of treatment I might have to have. It was kind of like having any conversation. Even then I thought it was funny how we casually chatted. Don't get me wrong, he was concerned but neither one of us were overly emotional.

Looking back there were two conversations that stand out. Telling my sister, Debbie and telling B.

I knew my sister was going to be a hard one because she had lost a friend to breast cancer months earlier. She saw first hand how ugly things could get and it was still fresh in her memory.

Debbie: Hey!
Me: Hi, I just got back from the doctors. I had a biopsy done a week ago..
Debbie: And.....
Me: And I have breast cancer.
Debbie: Nuh uh.
Me: Uh-huh
Debbie: No way.
Me: Yeah.
Debbie: Are you serious? ~voice starts to crack~
Me: Yep, I have breast cancer.
Debbie: Oh my God ~sniffle, shaky inhale, sniffle~
Me: ~eyes tearing up~
Debbie: But you're not going to look good all bald!
Me: OMG I know! How weird is that going to be!

The conversation went on from there. We discussed important matters like... what if I have a grossly misshapen head? And how I once knew a guy who we thought had wavy hair but who really had a wrinkly scalp. We talked and we laughed. I can honestly say that we laughed through the entire experience. Oh there were hard times and tears were shed but there was always laughter.

And then there was breaking it to B.

B: Hi!
Me: Hi. Um, what are you doing right now?
B: I'm in the car with __.
Me: Oh, I can call you back later.
B: No, no thats OK.
Me: So, I just got back from the doctor.
B: Yes?
Me: I have breast cancer.

B: Oh my God we have cancer.

It came out like a whisper, soft and sweet. And then I smiled. We had a short conversation and I told him I had to call my siblings to let them know. But what I really remember from that conversation is that I knew we had to be together. I knew I loved him. We'd been separated for a few months just prior to this and any confusion that was there before had vanished. OK, I knew how much I loved him when he was first thing that popped into my head after being diagnosed. But the man was right there with me. I melt into a puddle just thinking about it. It was the we that made the difference. Two little letters changed the day.