Lopsided

If reading about my boobs makes you uncomfortable then I suggest you turn back now. You are about to hear more about them then you ever wanted. Not that you ever really wanted to hear about them at all.

As many of you know I had breast cancer several years ago. As a result I had a lumpectomy in my left breast. The doctors removed a mass that was a little less than 1 inch in diameter. The thing is... when you have size A breasts, well 1 inch makes a difference!

After the lumpectomy I was left with several scars and a breast that was shaped differently. It was as if they made an incision, removed the tissue and then just pulled the bottom up to meet the top. My nipples point in different directions now. I mean, I'm not complaining. I'll be honest and say it doesn't bother me in the least.

It's just that if you were looking at me.. naked (this post is getting weirder by the minute) then one nipple would point at you and the other would be pointing up and over your right shoulder.

The right nipple all normal and the left nipple all like, Hey, what's that over there?! I suppose now my nipples are more representative of my personality. Mismatched and all split personality. Perhaps all nipples should be representative of their owner's personalities? Some should be bold and big and others small and meek.

During the pregnancy my left remained unchanged as my right grew and grew and stretched and stretched and mocked the left one relentlessly. I'm talking about the nipple here, not the breast. Sadly my breasts did not grow during my pregnancy.... just my nipple. I'll take a moment while you wrap your mind around that.

At about 5 months it started leaking giving me hope that my milk would indeed come in, at least on my right side. Having received 35 rounds of radiation on the left I didn't have high hopes of getting milk on that side.

When my milk finally did come in (on the right side only) I began to witness the growing of a breast. It was magical really. It was like watching a science experiment with the right experimental breast growing and the left control breast staying the same. I had a brief glimpse of what it would be like to fill out shirts and have curves in a dress.

Only I was completely lopsided. You see, even though my nipples are wonky noone can see. This growing of one breast was different. Some of you totally know what I mean when I talk about the difference in size. Can you imagine it? In the end I had to stuff the left cup with a crazy amount of nursing pads and try to make sure I didn't look lumpy or disfigured.... or that a pad didn't dislodge itself and work it's way up my top.

That would be embarasssing. I know this because once when I was in college (back when I still wanted to pretend I had breasts) I had put push-up pads in my bra. At the end of the night, after a few cocktails at my college boyfriend's fraternity house, I went home to find that I only had the pad in one side of my bra. All I could do was wonder how many people throughout the night saw that pad works it's way up and out of my top. Hey, is that a bra pad hanging out of Dawn's shirt? Hey what's that on the floor? Oh that's the pad from that lame girl who tried to stuff her bra.

One can only hope that when all this is over the right one will sag causing my breasts to make a sort of disco point. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, stayin' alive.

One can only hope...