Breastfeeding is hard

I started this post months ago and am now just getting back to it. These types of posts take me some time to sit and write... which doesn't happen often.

I know breastfeeding is a hot topic so here is my disclaimer: I am just sharing my experience. I believe that breastfeeding, how to do it, how long to do it and whether or not it works for you is a personal decision.

Of all the things that come along with motherhood, breastfeeding was the most surprising. For something that is so natural, something that has been done forever, it just didn't seem to come that naturally. I mentioned the trouble with breastfeeding briefly in a post and was amazed and grateful for the comments and emails I received regarding the process.

First off, I'd like to shake the people that say it doesn't hurt if you get a proper latch. I mean, like pick-up and really shake them. As if it's my fault that it hurts in the beginning.

Come on people, there is an industrial strength Hoover vacuum disguised as an innocent looking baby trying to suck liquid out of my body through my nipples.

Tell me how that doesn't hurt?

All those nurses popping in and asking me if he has a good latch. Um, I think so, I mean my toes curl and I have to hold my breathe while he sucks but he seems to have my nipple half-way down his throat... does that count?

Eventually a pediatrician came by the hospital room and told me it would hurt for a few weeks until my nipples toughened up. He was right.

I never thought I would pray to lose the feeling in my nipples.



We weren't really sure how the whole breastfeeding was going to go because of my breast cancer history. I received 35 rounds of radiation to the left breast and didn't know if any milk would come in on that side. There isn't a lot of info for women who have cancer treatments and then have babies afterwards as it isn't that common.

At the hospital I diligently nursed on both sides and quickly noticed how incredibly painful it was on the left. Eventually it was dread-the-next-feeding, stifle-a-shriek type of painful.

By the first day I had my suspicions that nothing was coming out. I worried that the poor kid was putting all this effort in with no reward. I know this is a common fear for many moms. I knew that if he didn't nurse on the left, no matter what the milk wouldn't come in, so I kept plugging away.

The first few days were the normal blur but I was constantly worried that he wasn't getting enough to eat. In the hospital we documented every time he nursed, every time he went potty and I crossed my fingers things were going well.

By the 4th day I was positive nothing was coming out on the left and unsure if enough was coming out of the right. He was constantly crying and always wanted to eat. I mean, non-stop fussing and rooting around. He would latch on like a starved animal, suck voraciously and then slowly slow down. I would nurse until he fell asleep and start the process again 15-30 minutes later. He seemed hungry all the time and his tummy was making funny little noises. He kept giving this high-pitched cry and I was at my wits end.

Peanut had urinated only once since he was born. I made a few frantic calls to the nurses who would tell me that he was getting everything he needed. Then I would explain how he wasn't going to the bathroom. Nothing, no bowel movement, no urination. They told me to get ahold of the doctor as soon as his office opened in the morning.

I spent most of the night in tears and completely sick to my stomach that Peanut was hungry and I wasn't feeding him. B stood in front of me looking completely helpless and trying to comfort me. I didn't sleep at all that night. Not a wink.

I remember wondering how long this would last. I was so tired I was shaky.

It's an incredible responsibility being the sole provider of that which keeps your child alive.

When we went to the doctor in the morning it took her 2 seconds to tell me that he was dehydrated and that I needed to give him a bottle immediately. She popped one open right there in the office and he sucked down 2 ounces in record time.

I have never felt so relieved. I wanted to cry I was so happy. She explained that it might not have been my plan but I needed to supplement with formula until my milk came in and I produced enough.

My thought was screw the plan.. my plan is to feed my baby. Thats the plan. I was on the verge of having a complete breakdown. She loaded me up with formula and sent us on our way.

It was like having a new baby. He stopped fussing and crying. He ate, he slept and I felt like I could breathe again. Just typing this out, thinking about that night made my stomach flip.



For the record, do you know what happens when a baby continues to try to nurse while nothing is coming out? Your entire nipple turns into a blood blister and eventually a big scab. It's not pretty. It also doesn't feel very good. Poor little Peanut, he sure tried, but I never got milk on my left side.

I continued to breastfeed and eventually my toes didn't curl whenever he latched on. It would have been nice to have two working breasts to give the right one a break but you gotta work with what you've got. I would breastfeed, then bottle feed, then pump. Totally exhausting.

I'm exhausted re-capping those few days. The first week is just pure craziness. If I ever have another baby I'd like to skip the first couple of weeks please.

Rest assured that there are a lot of things I really love about breastfeeding and I'll post about those soon. Peanut is thriving and a happy baby now that we're feeding him. :) We've gotten into our own groove and the Peanut gets a combination of breastmilk, formula, bottle and breast.

The kid is like his father... he doesn't care what type of food it is or how he gets it, he just likes to eat. Thank God.

All photos taken by Adrienne Gunde